The new semester had been smooth so far, too smooth... Now that's a problem. I can say 70% of my time was spent either chilling, at the gym, or sleeping. And I know someday I will bound to feel that difference for this semester. Yes, missing some friends, no big deal i thought. I just tried not to think about that feeling as much as possible. And a few weeks ago I once again went to a nice "FFK"ed trip to the gym, and as usual, ALONE. MOTHER FUCKING ALONE. You bloody mother fuckers, you know who you are... as usual. I was doing my run, took my favorite spot with a mirror in front of me. Not for the view for my "perasan" self, but instead as a motivation to lose all that fat, since everyone has been calling me fat but actually my muscles are just getting bigger but the eyes of normal human beings always lead to my tummy and starts to complain and laugh about it. Well sorry for being so fat then. But that's not the point. Well, there I was, staring at myself running on the treadmill. Noticing the only part that jiggles is my bloody tummy. Looking at that, you will bound to get bored of it. So my mind went off somewhere else. Of all the topics, it ends up thinking about that topic that I was avoiding all this time. The truth, "Difference". I don't live up to "change" that quickly. It just makes me sad to think of the fact that, this semester is totally different, in a way that I do not like at all.
I avoided it, but the first thing is the obvious, lifestyle. The lifestyle for this semester is quite laid back for me. Relaxing, chilling in the room with good music, annoying roommate gone for good. It was great. Classes on Tuesday and Thursday only, 8 to 11.30, then i can have all the free time i can get. Finish my homework due in one month in a day. Everyday, waiting for my University to at least give me an answer, nothing happened... And I'm still mad about it. Waiting and looking forward for the next hectic moment of arranging housing problems and visas. I try to head back to Seremban to visit and spend as much time with the family as possible. Well, that's basically it for my life right now. It is that relaxing.
Another thing is activities. I have to say i hate people, I love my friends. So are my friends people? No, they are friends. Monkeys in my eyes. That leakage of my circle of friends has caused much of a stir to the remainders. The energy for this semester is weak for the sophomores, or better put as the remainders. The younger ones want to show their stuff with another ADP cup like shit, well this shows how old we are already. Dinner times were lonely, sometimes it's just me and 2 other great guys and 2 other great girls that remained from the once great group of mine, or worse just me myself. Oh yes, we do get along, the conversations flow smoothly, but the energy that was once so powerful, gone. We do go on group dinners which I reluctantly went on. It was the same shit, the energy was lost. I do not feel "Appiness" anymore, Vijaya students should get it. With some people gone, my happy energy cannot burst out to be as entertaining that i once was. I have to admit, the "Let's Go WHATEVER" shit is annoying the fuck out of me. I FUCKING hate it. It's like being dragged to a dinner that i can only seek pleasure to only fulfill my appetite, but not my happiness. Gym times, friends FFKing me for the stupidest reasons. "Tired ah" "Study ah" "Lazy ah". Giving me indirect answers. "Eh Jason, I MAYBE cannot go gym lah" WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? If you do not want to go tell me straight. Well I do enjoy a lonely gym, but at least sometimes i want balance it up a bit. So I ended up reducing the sadness by taking my mind off this shit. I joined the Taylor's Music club Elite team and got in, and then lead and coordinate a performance for the dean's retirement... But... I am not happy for this semester.
Having a big part of my group gone, I start to feel this emptiness. It was a huge emptiness. Well at least this semester, my heart of demons had calmed down, the main source of my torment has gone far. This calm.. After all those painful hours i spent under the table, praying to exorcise myself everyday. After that night I watched it walked away... I felt my soul set free, I went back under that table one last time, released the emotions, sang my heart out... then I decided to put that Love safe in a special box in the heart, hoping one day that I can open it up and start over again, and that flame shall not fade, it continues to burn, but locked up properly, and will open up when the time is right. I have never felt so calm in such a long time. It was then i have to realized... I have to admit, I have one of the best bunch of friends I had in my entire life. Boohoo to you high school friends. Explanation... In high school, I was being myself but not completely as my high school friends are still stuck in their "seremban" logic, which... doesn't really suit me. Maybe not as open enough. Then I came to college and met mother fuckers that i can call real friends. And yes, they saw the real me, the saw the Happy me... I was finally happy after such a long time. I can tell my type of jokes, i love their jokes. Although lame and i get annoyed but at least i was happy. 2 years in college, the adventures I had with them are much more extreme and fun compared to high school. But what I love the most is my only group of friends, not the big group, but the small group that started everything. You know who you are... Nope, not the "add-ins", but that group that was formed from the 2nd sem onwards. Those are my best of buddies i can have. Trust me, we did so many stupid things together as we are just so comfortable with each other. Get drunk, talk trash, cried, play lan games, shouted for no reason, ate awesome food, you just fucking name it. And all that made me, happy. It's not that I do not like the group i am having now, it's just not the same... I am not happy...
All that, that energy... Gone. The people in my group all have their special traits, combine them, and the you get the perfect group, for me at least. I avoided this topic so much... But my mind always comes to it. It is painful to know the truth. And it will disperse further as we move on, I'll be off to the US soon, i hope, with no friends to start. Hope to go back to the old times. Now, writing this has been painful as well, i think i just cannot bear the pain anymore... Well under the table again i guess...
Weep not for the memories.
