Since the day after I lost it all, I went on to the stage of recovery. The healing of the broken heart, the challenges of the aftermath, the effort to get back the old life, all includes in this big movement in my mind that is still going on until this very day, which I like to call it...
The Recovery
Firstly, we have to always keep in mind, when one significant event that happens to change your life, in a good or bad way, it will always leave blessings or scars, we can never forget something that important that can impact our lives so drastically. Losing something important is indeed the hardest thing to ever endure, and yes, it left me with scars, it will be always there no matter how much effort is used up to heal it. With the knowledge of us, being so helpless, we cannot heal these psychological scars, What we can only do, is to do our best to mend it, to make it not damage our lives severely.
On the day when I lost that important thing, I lost myself, gave up my body to endure physical pain, exhaustion, and emotional breakdowns. I let all senses go, as sadness overcomes the body, holding onto my communication devises, being asked kindly and "compassionately" of how am i doing. Why to state the obvious, yes, i am fucking sad. So that night was hellish, it's like i was drunk without the consumption of spirits. However, I gave myself in to the devil himself. Possessed, I live my daily life miserably. Going to class seeing what I've lost, everyday was painful. Listening to the favorite songs of the favorite artist hurts my ears. I cannot bear the sight of what I've lost everyday. The hatred in me grew towards everyone I saw, violent thoughts came through my mind everyday, the heart pumped needles every glimpse of her i took.
Cleansed i was, after the Australian trip. Cleansed from the demons that roams within my heart after that dreadful night. A small part of them still remains. Save by the Lord Christ himself in the form of the beloved, I started to pray everyday, hoping for the same thing, just to get it back. Although the cold treatment I get from Skype after the exorcism, I did not feel as bad as before, i felt lifted.
Soon I head back to classes, and still I am seeing it everyday. Every morning class, my second most loved science subject turned into hell. Seeing it right in front of me killed me yet it soothed me as my love still stands strong. Sometimes I think, I was noticed, soon it joined the later sessions, so that i will not be able to have a sight. Dinner times, daily outings, on the birthday itself... I was crying inside every fucking time. I cannot bear the sight. I stopped Skype to avoid the usually red box, stop listening to the voice of a wonderful artist, even avoided the beautiful name of hers. Attempts were made to converse, it was never the same as before. Yeah, right, remaining friends. Strangers are what i see. There are more painful moments to come. The amount of pain I've been through, was too enormous to endure, so painful, I cannot engage myself in recovery. I hated everyone that were being so close to her and mentions the name. I was angry. Just because i loved too much, but they deserved better attention. They did not gave up as much as i do... Every night, almost, i was under the table, crying out in regret of what i did to have made me lose it. What? Didn't think I tried to make an effort to make it work again? You don't know what I've been through to get it back.
You Angry after seeing this? What I've been through, my life was completely ruined because of it and here you are being angry of what I've said. Please, understand first before blasting me. Well, everything was better after sending farewell with sad farewell tunes with my guitar and voice. The music was an aid to block off my emotions. Once home, I brokedown again. I am truly sad of seeing it leave, but somehow happy that it is gone. I can now start focusing on the real recovery of my life.
I first started looking back into God. Praying every night, thanking Him for everyday no matter good or bad, apologizing and confessing guilt and sins of the day, wished for small things in life to succeed, and most of them do come true, but every time, without fail, i will wish for the ultimate, to get back what's important to me. So then I started to pick up on my studies as well, try to get myself more immerse in school work. Get to know more people and communicate like how i used to before the tragedy happened, and i got myself busy with uni applications as well. The recovery was going well, as time slowly heals my heart. Still avoided the things like Skype and Bruno and even sometimes Facebook to avoid getting hurt again. Everything was going well. Getting happier music into my life was relaxing, love songs , motivation songs, country songs, relaxes me. Getting myself involved more in school activities as well, leading a musical performance, having multiple acoustic singing performances, recording songs, met new people along the way, i can say, I am living the good life, and i think this recovery process is going on pretty good.
Friends, they changed along the way and didn't seemed to fun anymore, now that slowed down the recovery process a bit. They became lazy asses not going to gym, ffked, some emo as fuck, PMSing more often than usual, some douchebag 1994s came in and ruined our lives and i dont understand why people seem to like them, some went on dating other people, FPs and PTs and then the most recently sex happened, more annoying outings that i don't feel like going, the word "lansi" came out and became so damn shitty annoying, a lot of shit happened after it left for the states. Because it is then, I realized the puzzle of the group is missing. We were perfect as one, we were all so good together, no one can add in, and once one goes out, all will be affected...
So far, my recovery is smooth. I hope it will continue to be smooth. I shall live on, in the states, to make sure the recovery must go on improving. I fear Spring Break... Either it will end good, or I'll die inside once again. I'll do my best, to face you once again and at least, start over.
